Sunday, June 20, 2010

Grandpa at the Car Wash

I'm not quite sure what it is about me that attracts disfunctionality and old men. I'm fairly average in regards to height, build, and hair color so I'm not sure what it is about me that screams that I potentially am interested in men over 40, as the thought of it makes me quite ill. Today my mother asked me to take the car to the car wash, and I obliged, as I recognize that she does things for me on a regular basis. So, I went to the car wash and was greeted by a little old man who slightly resembled Colonel Sanders of KFC fame. As I was gearing up to go through the automatic car wash, he said, "Miss, I'm a great grandfather, so if you don't mind me saying, and I don't know if you hear this enough, but gosh you just look marvelous." As I went through the car wash, I thought to myself, awww what a kind old man to say that--so sweet. When I was finished with my car wash, I walked around the building to tip him. "Say" he said to me, "Are you married? You have got to be married." "Erm, no--uhh could I have a token for the vacuum please?" Now, one thing you should know about me is that I am a terrible liar and hate lying to people, even if they're super skeezy. My face is always a dead give away that I am not telling the truth. Combined with my general naivety, this can prove to be disastrous. "For you, you can have anything you want," he said as he handed me two tokens instead of the usual one. EW. Glad for a bonus, but EW. "Well you have to have a main squeeze, right?" The fact that you just used the phrase "main squeeze" indicates to me that you have got be well past 60. It was beginning to become apparent to me that cute little grandpa was definitely hitting on me considering his inquisitiveness in regards to my relationship status, and if there is one thing I have zero tolerance for, it is when the elderly go for young women--I do not now nor have I ever needed a "Sugar Daddy" and I do not need your senior citizens discount, I am very effectively providing for myself--have some dignity man! LIE Jess, LIE. "YES. I totally do," I replied, praying that he wouldn't inquire about my fake boyfriend, because I was not fully confident in my ability to make up details. "Of course you would. How old are you?" At this point he was a little too far into my personal space "Erm, uh, 24." "See, you're not too old for anything." OHHH SICK. CAUTION: BACK AWAY FROM LITTLE OLD MAN. ABORT MISSION. And with that I high tailed it back to my car and drove off the lot with Grandpa saluting me on the way out, shuttering as to what just happened, and wondering why my apparent charm did not seem to be rubbing off on men my own age. This may be a mystery that I will never figure out, and I do not ever care to so long as I never have to experience something as uncomfortable as that again.

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