Double Entendres

For as long as I can remember, I have been the last to know, in particular when it comes to erm...well...termonology as it relates to sexuality (that's about as nicely as I can put it). Some may describe this as "oblivious," or perhaps "sheltered..." I prefer to think of it as "naive," and I'd like to believe "endearing." I am that person who didn't know what a lot of certain..."terms" meant until I was later into college...people wonder if I was living under a rock, but I will again point to the fact that I am just good ol' naive, or perhaps I simply lack street smarts. I mean they don't teach you these things when they separate girls and boys in the 6th grade. So it's no surprise that I am very good at mistakingly saying double entendres without even realizing that I'm saying them. These statements are typically met with awkward gazes from people, perhaps a giggle, followed by a "Uhhh...do you know what that means?" And THEN followed up with me saying, "OHHHHHH. Good to know." It happened again today, but perhaps the most unfortunate instance was during the Fall of 2008, a day that will live on in infamy as one of my top most embarrassing moments.

There we were. It was our big town hall meeting in front of approximately 350 students. I was the Moyer Hall Advisor, and it was my first debut in front of everyone--I was there to introduce myself so students would know who the heck I was. My supervisor at the time said, "Hello everyone, this is Jess. She is the Moyer Hall Advisor. Jess, would you like to say anything?" Unfortunately, yes. Yes I did. "Hi everyone! I would just like to let you all know that this summer I took up baking and cooking as a hobby, so if you stop by my apartment, you just might get lucky!" OHDEARLORD. The crowd was silent. People always joke about crickets chirping during awkward silences, BUT I ACTUALLY HEARD SOME. "Uhhh...!!!! Not THAT WAY!" The crowd burst into laughter, with all the men in the crowd going "woot! woot!" I honestly don't know that my face has ever turned that red, nor my ears turned so bright--I literally could have guided Santa's sleigh that night. There's the phrase "my ears were burning"--they actually WERE on fire. Subsequently, every time thereafter someone ate a cookie in my apartment, they always walked out saying, "I GOT LUCKY IN JESS'S APARTMENT!" There was talk of creating t-shirts to wear after eating in my apartment with the aforementioned catch phrase, I really think it could have been a money maker. Apparently I do not easily learn lessons as a few weeks later I was out shopping for food with my boss for the annual Christmas party, and she picked out a bag of mixed nuts and asked me what I thought about serving them at the parter. "I'm not much of a nut muncher at parties...Oh. Crap." Some things never change.