Love...Or Something Like It

For many a century, men and women have poised their pens to write their significant others beautiful words professing their deepest affections to them. Soldiers wrote their sweethearts love letters, sent from all around the globe, Lord Byron wrote such lovely lines like "She walks in beauty, like the night." I imagine the recipients of these messages maybe sighed a little "Awww," and got the butterflies in their stomach regions. Apparently, these sorts of things have made people swoon or something like that (or at least, we seem to think they are romantic in the movies and such), but fast forward to the 21st century, and the translation seems to have been lost, especially when using facebook as a means of communication.

Take for example my friend who just received a facebook message from a young gentleman she met a few years ago. The message professed his deepest love for her--and by the sounds of it, he is head over heels, I'm talking like depths-of-the-ocean deep. While I'm sure there are many people who might appreciate the romance and passion, it didn't make a whole lot of sense to us. Do we have hearts of stone?! Have we been so jaded that we cannot appreciate the "old fashioned" ways of communicating romance any more? Nope. The message was terrible really, and dare I say EXTREMELY cheesy. Now mind you, she has not seen this person in two years, so it seemed to come out of nowhere, and was perhaps a "bit much"--you really do have to keep context in mind with these sorts of things--but at least there's no guessing about how he feels, which is a rarity these days I suppose. God bless him, he tried, but he really should have consulted with a friend prior to sending this sucker (in my opinion)! I hope it does not appear that I am making fun, as I acknowledge it takes a lot of guts to put your heart out there, but...it was too grand of a blog-writing opportunity to pass up, so you'll have to forgive me. These are some ACTUAL lines from said poem:

"You eyes are as bright as the star." I am not sure if this was supposed to "the star" like "the sun" or "the star(s)" as in plural, and proof reading apparently did not occur

"Your skin is as soft as a cotton sweater."

"Your eyes are as bright as diamonds." We decided this might be acceptable if this line came attached to a box with a diamond IN it.

"I want to serve you like a king serves his queen." No comment.

"I wanted to make love to you but I had severe lower back pain." Again, no comment. The downside was I actually DID have lower back pain yesterday, causing me to want to giggle and pop pills all at the same time--it was a very paradoxical range of emotions.

While it was agreed that some young woman somewhere might greatly appreciate this gesture, or I imagine if it had been written 100 years ago or so, but we established that this was fairly "gag-worthy." However, we seized this opportunity to write some great lines of our own. Feel free to use on your significant other, you don't even need to give us credit:

"Your mind is as sharp as my best cutlery."

"Your teeth are as white as my most bleached undergarment."

"You smell so good you could replace my febreeze."

"Your eyes are as shiny as an egg yolk and your spirit is just as delicious."

"Your joy is as bright as a bouquet of buttercups on a fresh spring day. With butterflies swirling around them."

"My heart bursts for you like the bubble I am currently blowing with my gum."

"Your smile is as bright as the hamburgler and you steal my heart."

"My love for you shines so bright it can outshine any Nor'Easter blackout."

"My love for you is like a 40--it's always a party!"

"You are the pearl I want in my oyster."

Frankly I see some gems for Valentine's Day. Let me be clear: if you are out there, young suitor, and would like to write me a song, HANDWRITE a letter professing your love for me, the things you appreciate about me, I would certainly love that a lot. But please make sure that it does not come through any social networking sites, and does not create various analogies about parts of me to inanimate objects, and should not be cheesy lines like, "Can I see your tag? Because you MUST have been "Made in Heaven." No, I was not, I was made on earth, and we both know this. Perhaps, "Hi, I am ___________. You seem really hilarious and delightful. Would you like to talk?" My response will most likely be very positive, I can assure you.